A Bad Man For Me – A Compilation

I realize it is probably not your fault, the way you treat me and the way you talk to me because you are on so many drugs I can’t even find you beneath it all. What I wish I had the strength to say is… I’m done. But I don’t because I don’t trust myself to stand by my own words. So I’ll say nothing… and I’ll write everything.

You hurt me over and over and you don’t even know because you never see me cry.  You are safe on the other end, you don’t have to see my eyes red, my nose run. I hope you get better and get healthy, and find what you are looking for. But you and I… I can’t keep up with your games, I never could, I’m not good at it. I never have been. We aren’t on the same page, not even close. Not even in the same book. Or on the same shelf…

I don’t need to outline all of the ways you disrespect me and take me for granted. You’re smart and you can piece it together. I’ve been treated badly by men and I’ve been treated right by men. You are in the first category, and I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me for sticking around so long. I used to think we had a connection, we had something and we got each other and we laughed together. But no one is laughing anymore. Everything has gone stale and it’s just not fun.

I know I’ll keep your number saved in my phone but I hope I never give in and call you. And when you call me I’ll be in the right place, and I’ll tell you loud and clear all about how I am finally over you.

I”ll be over you.

Congratulations
You finally did it
You pushed and pushed and pushed me to my limit
And here at the end it feels refreshingly clear
And I wonder why I needed you to push so hard for me to get here
So no, I won’t be coming over
No I’m not bringing you your dinner
You can go ahead and lose my number
Because I’m finally over you

When I’m finally over you, I’ll be flying high.
Free at last from the sadness I felt inside.
I’ll be over over over you
And I’ll feel free, I’ll be flying high and I’ll see clearly when I look back at you
I’ll see you for you, and not how I wanted to.
I’ll finally see that you were never the one to make me happy
No matter how hard I tried I don’t think I could do it for you.
You give me no reasons to love you
No reasons to see this through
No reasons to hope for us to come true.
I know still getting over you will take me many moons
But each sunrise will bring me closer
And for this I will be patient
Because I’m tired of the let downs and tired of the hoping
That maybe one of these days
You will be here for me

I’ve been crying
Crying because of you for the last time
I don’t want to be a fool for a fool
So I’ll wipe away the wetness and forget about my stresses
Done with all the messes you’ve made inside my head
I’m cleaning up in there and there is no space for your games anymore
I’ve been crying but each tear that hits the ground sends you flying
Away away away
Away from me at last

It could have been so simple so easy so fun
But you can’t handle the love I laid down couldn’t handle the sun
You prefer shades down
You prefer to sit on your couch
Dark hole, lone wolf, you don’t need no one but yourself
So I’ll leave you to it, I’ll leave you alone like you claim you want to be
Just don’t come back to me
Don’t come running back to me
You had your chance, more than one
And once this wolf goes free, she’s impossible to see
Goodbye Anthony

Friends with (My Kind of) Benefits

SO. I haven’t written in a while, and I apologize (to myself) but I will try and double back to share some “unconventional” dating stories in the next few posts.

I’m pretty sure I’ve managed to successfully hack sugar-daddy-dating system. Some how Lunch is totally fine with us being friends, platonic relationship all the way – no hand holding, no kisses on the cheek, no nothing. I clearly stated that was all I was capable of being with him, as he is married… and well, twice my age, but for the purpose of this argument we will stick with the former excuse. And guess what? He still wants to take me out for lunch, take me shopping, and has offered to continue to help me out financially when I need. I’m honestly confused and amazed and I’m not sure what’s in it for him. When I asked, his reply was equal parts sadness and sweetness:

“I’m lonely, and I enjoy seeing you.”

We met at the mall yesterday and he took me around to all of the different high end stores, bought me two new dresses, pair of shoes, purse, and a gorgeous raincoat that I would never in a million years be able to afford on my own (well on second thought, maybe at this rate…).

No price tag phased him which is still hard for me to wrap my head around. $1000 for a dress?

“Go ahead, try it on! If it fits, its yours.”

He paid cash for everything (he must carry around with him close to $5k in hundred dollar bills) and made it a point to give me all of the receipts. It didn’t occur to me why until my girlfriend pointed out that I can go back and return everything for cash. DUH.

I don’t think he cares if I keep the items or return them. He enjoys spending time with me, and it’s more fun to go around shopping than just eat together or take a walk. He wants to help me out financially but maybe it just feels nicer for him to buy me things instead of flat out handing me $500 or $1000 every time we meet. I get it. I like it. No complaints here!

Anyways, I’m still not totally sure how I feel about this whole thing. But it is feeling less and less weird, and I attribute that to my being completely forth coming regarding my intentions and limitations on our relationship. One thing I’ve learned – it is best, especially when navigating such a slippery slope, to be as straight forward as possible. I find the men appreciate it, it’s a breathe of fresh air for them, as they are used to women trying their best to manipulate and persuade them this way and that, telling them everything they think they want to hear. Not my style. And hey – It doesn’t always work out, but the ones who say sayanara after I drop my short and to the point “friend zone” speech, well, one less fella to worry about.

The best part about Lunch is how easy it is for us to just, hang out. Wether we are just getting lunch, or walking around a mall or anywhere else, he has never made me feel weird or uncomfortable, never walked too close or tried to put his hands on me, and our conversations flow. Obviously he is smart and successful and something of a socialite and it’s fun and entertaining (and dare I say educational??) to simply be around him.

And again, who knows how long this thing will last. I’m still waiting for the day he gets bored of me and starts looking for an actual “sugar baby.” But until then, I’m young, free, beautiful, and looking for some good stories to tell when it’s all said and done. And who am I kidding –  a Herve Leger bondage dress or two along the way wouldn’t hurt. 😉

-JAG

My First Rodeo

I arrived 20 minutes early. I sat in my car for the first 10, and then slowly made my way towards the front door of the restaurant located in the corner of small shopping strip off the main street.  I wore my off white sleeveless silk blouse, tucked into navy blue fabric pants that cut off at the ankle, with shiny black pumps. I wanted to dress as though I was going to a job interview at a law firm – not like I was getting paid to go to dinner with a man who could almost pass as my grandfather. I was the only person around, he surely had the advantage – he could drive past, see me, change his mind and gun it in the opposite direction…

He did not, however. Only a few short moments went by before I saw a man pull up in a shiny new BMW. He stepped out, and I knew right away it was him.

He was short. Very short – much shorter than me, with round thick rimmed glasses, black beard, and smiling, boyish eyes. He wore khaki slacks and a dark button down beneath a warm brown vest. He approached me with a wide smile and took my hand in his. I felt relieved. I liked him right away.

“Excuse me,” he said, “but I was not expecting you to be early as well – I need to make a quick stop at the store next door. It’s right here.”

I was friendly and easy going. “Of course! Would you like me to come with you?” He shrugged with those same smiling eyes of his and gestured towards the store, offering for me to accompany him. We stepped inside and he walked straight for the ATM. Oh right, I thought. No shame here. Is he going to just hand it to me? Nope. He took out his wallet and put the bills inside, and we walked back out towards the restaurant.

We were the only english speakers in the small and homey yet upscale Japanese eatery where all of the servers and wait staff knew him by name. The very same exact name (first and last) as my great uncle who I adore, ironically. I will call him Mr. Fox.

“Shall we bring you your bottle Mr. Fox?”

The waitress brought out a tall half-full bottle of sake with a tag around the neck that read “Fox.” I wondered briefly about the young lady whom he had surely started this particular bottle with that we would now be finishing together. The waitress poured us each a glass, and when she was finished he asked for two more glasses. When they were brought to our table, he filled them with sake, walked over to the bar and set them on the ledge for the chef and server. When the server noticed, he brought his glass of sake over to our table, bowed and took a drink with Mr. Fox, then exited. Well that was different. How thoughtful…

There we were, sitting, facing each other across a very small candle lit table. I felt very natural and very calm. Just your run-of-the-mill dinner date… but I am 26, and he is 62, and he handed me a blank white envelope with $160 dollars inside. For what? Meeting him for dinner, no strings attached.

He was married once, then divorced many years ago. No children. Another lifetime, he said. These days he is single and alone, or more accurately, lonely. We sat there eating various forms of raw fish and rice and drinking sake and talked for 2 and a half hours. We talked about film, art, music, shared stories.

“I’ll give you $300 if you can guess what I majored in!” He challenged with that mischievous look. Well, I thought, It can’t be anything obvious… surely not computer science, or mathematics. He gave me 3 tries – but I struck out each time. “Early childhood development!” He said triumphantly. I must admit that I was amused and surprised that this successful tech executive from the Midwest who had landed himself out on the West Coast kicked off his career as a Kindergarden teacher.

He continued. “Now, for $1000, guess what my next job was.” Shoot, I thought. I’m not going to get this right – but how nice would that be! I gave it a shot but low and behold I had no idea. Ready?

Blacksmith.

Who knew. He liked this guessing game, and he liked to amuse. Mostly, he liked to talk, and to share his life, which worked out just fine for me. I loved to listen.

He was kind, nice, smart, funny, and easy to talk to and I did not even notice the time fly by. After I left, he messaged me with a few film titles that he recommended I watch, and told me that he had had a wonderful time and would love to see me again.

I had a nice time too, Mr. Fox. But I do not see us progressing romantically. It was lovely to meet you. I’m sorry we will not work out, but I am thankful for dinner, great conversation, stories… and for the cash of course. While this may have been my first rodeo, I am no stranger to letting a man down easy.

Would I do this a hundred times over? Yes, I am afraid so.

What can I say. I am just a girl.

Slippery Slope

Watch your step…

Have you ever done something you never thought in a million years you would ever do? Something that questions your morals, your upbringing, your religion, your mother, your father, your community, something that forces you to re-configure your entire perspective on good vs. evil, right vs. wrong…

Something that if you did it, it would mean you aren’t quite “you” anymore. After doing it, you simply cannot be! How could you? Because everything up until that point, every word you spoke, every thought you thunk, every friend you made, everything that defined you was rooted in all of the above.

So what now? What happens after you dip your pinky toe into the pond, and before you know it – there you are standing in the middle, tilting your head side to side trying to get the water out of your ears.

It starts with dinner. Or lunch even. Get paid $200 to wine and dine at your town’s finest eatery, no strings attached? Yes please – whats that? Oh, yes I would like a box, thank you. And how about getting $2,000 for lunch in a private hotel room – minus the wine and dine (let’s not kid ourselves). And have you considered pocketing $10,000 for a weekend getaway? Maybe a private island off the coast of Maui… No? Perhaps $50,000. Shopping, spa, hot tub… Oh but don’t worry, we can just do lunch, if that’s all you’re up for.

I just want to see those lovely blue eyes of yours again.

Everyone has a price.

What’s yours?